We are genetically programmed to look for causes of our feelings in our immediate environment, which in psychological jargon is called “psychological projection”. It is the foundation and source of delusions and hallucinations and misinterpretation of our environment.

It really means in psychology our tendency to exclusively attribute our own feelings to the outside world or to expect to find the cause of these feelings in the immediate environment, present or past memory. This may have some unexpected consequences in our social relationships.

Even most clinical psychologists, unaware of nutritional biochemistry, continue to interpret most “psychological symptoms” in terms of our social environment, present or past (hidden in  our “subconscious mind”), which are then thought to be amenable to talk-therapy. Feelings are always being interpreted as products of our environment, present of past, conscious or subconscious (memories of the past).  Unfortunately, this misinterpretation contributes to a considerable failure rate in counseling. See also Psychotherapy Ineffective?

Negative self-image

It is interesting to see how a metabolic disorder can play tricks on our mind. Nutritional therapists accept that the hypoglycemic syndrome can cause a negative self-image, because of the over-production of stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones generated from within (endogenously) give rise to us feeling being constantly under stress, quite unrelated to whatever is going on in our immediate environment. In other words, we complain of having anxiety or panic attacks without us understanding why and being unable to control them. Constantly being bombarded with stress hormones will naturally produce a low self-esteem.

Having a feeling of “I am no good”, soon becomes by force of “psychological projection” , “people think I am no good”. Thus people with a low self-esteem tend to withdraw from social intercourse…… from the perceived source of their low self-esteem. They may feel insecure in intimate and close relationships. They are reluctant to express their feelings or talk about themselves for fear of being rejected. In the extreme form this may lead to agoraphobia.

A low self-esteem can lead to emotional calamities as for instance in rejection of love. People with a low self-esteem experience rejection of love as a disaster, whereas a person with a healthy self-regard will see this more as a disappointment, but will soon be looking for a better partner. People with a good self-image will usually find one another, as will people with a low self-image may find on another. The latter couple may soon regard each other in a negative way. This will often result in the breakup of their relationship. People with a low self-esteem, even if accepted by a partner, may be under constant fear and worry about the loyalty of the other partner. She/he will be projecting “how could he/she love a person like me?” Rejection in love will reinforce one’s low self-esteem.

Stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol, function to convert energy stores in our body such as glycogen into glucose in order to feed the brain with glucose as the only source of biological energy called adenosine triphosphate (ATP). A hypoglycemic brain is forever exposed to wildly fluctuating blood sugar levels which trigger the release of stress hormones in an endeavor to stabilize energy supplies to the brain.

Without that stable energy supply we would not be able to convert one set of molecules into another set of molecules, such as the conversion of tryptophan into serotonin. So, we become depressed and suffer from mood disorders. The erratic production of stress hormones appear to be a common features of most if not all mood disorders. Uncontrollable feelings for which there is no apparent explanation are then misinterpreted according to the mechanism of Psychological Projection into virtual delusions and hallucinations.

Depression may be seen to follow a long period of anxiety, when the adrenal glands become exhausted, and Adrenal Fatigue sets in. It may lead to clinical depression marked by a variety of symptoms such as feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, insomnia, loss of interest in life, sadness, anxious or “empty” feelings, loss of interest in hobbies, or sex. In terms of hypoglycemia depression is due to a lack of a stable supply of biological energy, required for serotonin synthesis. Here.

Again, being programmed to believe that causes lie in the environment, a depressed person is apt to believe, that there may be something wrong with his marriage, or that something might have happened in the past (or childhood) or that a past traumatic event is the cause of his present negative feelings as in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). In other words, projecting feelings onto the outside world, instead of the endogenous source. The traumatic event(s) that is seen as the cause of PTSD, hides the underlying biochemical abnormality responsible for its symptoms.

Hypochondria: Again these same uncontrollable stress hormones may lead a victim to believe that he is suffering from an incurable disease as in hypochondria. Symptoms of excessive stress hormones are translated into symptoms of diseases.

Ironically, this illness is often seen as an imaginary illness – somatoform disorder – i.e., “a mental illness in which a person has symptoms of a medical illness, but the symptoms cannot be fully explained by an actual physical disorder ” Cleveland Clinic.

This mental illness is difficult to understand by conventional medicine because palliative medicine does not recognize hypoglycemia to be a genuine illness, as distinct from diabetes. Hypochondria, ironically is a real physical disease, a symptom of hypoglycemia, but:

“Most mainstream physicians, however, don’t believe hypoglycemia is a genuine condition. They cite research showing that most people who develop a hypoglycemic-type reaction actually have fairly normal blood sugar levels at the time of their symptoms.” Her Foundation

No, they have abnormal blood sugar levels!! See the correct test for hypoglycemia.

Therefore, hypochondria can also be understood in terms of “Psychological Projection” where the symptoms of stress hormones are converted to “diseases”.

Psychologists have a tendency to translate emotional disorders as a “sickness of the mind”, confusing symptoms for causes – in fact the result of Psychological Projection.

The misinterpretations of feelings as being inevitably related to environmental stimuli – past or present – becomes problematic and counterproductive, when sufferers of mood disorders seek empathy and support in self-help discussion boards. When established professionals fail to alleviate their sufferings they may seek an alternative approach to the treatment of their illnesses by participating in discussion boards. But unfortunately most of the these discussion boards are dominated by a group’s axiomatic belief that mental illness is an illness of the mind, thus perpetuating the illusion that symptoms are the causes of “mental illness”.

See:   Mental Illness: A Disease of Delusions.

Please discuss this article with your health care worker, doctor or nutritional doctor or therapist.

These are the assumptions of psychotherapy which differentiate one psychotherapist from another. An assumption is basically a major premiss that is accepted as being true or as certain to happen, without proof. These assumptions, once accepted, generate inevitable logical consequences that will create an cohesive structure to the theoretical background of a particular psychotherapist. Thus as a psychotherapist, the therapy I practise are equally based on fundamental assumptions, that are different from many other therapists. I, for instance, have questioned the assumptions of many psychologists, and this has lead me to conclude that most psychological theories are dead wood, or psychological debris that we need to sweep aside, if we want to develop our own theory or assumptions.

People with anxiety disorder are told to do “breathing exercises” which may be a valid “management technique”, but does nothing to “cure” anxieties. Drug addicts, withdrawing from drugs, are advised to exercise strenuously each day to reduce withdrawal symptoms, or to do “meditation” or “yoga” as techniques to “manage” their symptoms. One feature of management techniques is that they need to be repeated periodically. One may have to take AD medication for life. Some management techniques are healthier than others. For instance daily exercises, meditation and taking your dog for a walk, or pursuing a hobby may be healthier than drinking coffee to give you a lift or even smoking pot. Hence managing an illness is not necessarily to cure it and some management techniques may be preferable to others.

I would like to summarize my assumptions that are fundamental to my approach to psychotherapy and that seems to distinguish it or could be in conflict with the majority opinion among psychotherapists.

Major Premiss #1: Most forms of mood disorders are due to a biochemical imbalance that needs to be treated FIRST, before considering psychotherapy.

This does not mean that I do not recognize mood disorders (or depression) that are environmental in nature and are not necessarily caused by biochemical disorders. Traumatic events and stressors of life do interfere with the production of feel good neurotransmitters and this could cause a person to feel depressed, as in bereavement or rejection of love. But most people who enjoy good health recover from these events and are able to resume life. This is not the case with endogenous depression when people seek the assistance of psychotherapists.

Major premiss #2: Most of mood disorders can be treated by nutritional means.

Samra, Dr George (2002), The Hypoglycemic Connection II, One Stop Allergies, Kogarah Sydney, here.

Another vast range of possible illnesses affecting moods are digestive disorders. The simple reason is that these diseases can interfere with the proper absorption of essential nutrients that are forerunners of feel good neurotransmitters.

In fact, there are many other diseases that can affect our “mental’ well-being as has been explained at:

Major premiss #3: Psychotherapy is strictly a “here-and-now” kind of therapy.

Thus if we see a young woman, who has an extreme low self-esteem, we may find that she has been sexually abused as a child. We naturally tend to assume that her sexual abuse has something to do or even could be the cause of her present day behaviour. According to some psychological theories, her past history gives us an explanation of her present-day behaviour. Some therapists or parents may – intentionally or unintentionally –  even create false memories to explain abnormal mood disorders (Various magazine reports). A person under stress may fall victim to delusions in some circumstances. But by the same token, her present behaviour can also be explained – not by her past – but by her present experiences, if, for instance, she has a metabolic disorder, or if she has a negative self-image. She would lack the social skills to handle people or form any close and loving relationships. All these factors are treatable in the here-and-now without having necessarily to know anything about her social history.

The behaviour of an alcoholic jealous husband who has beaten his wife could easily be explained by his social history. We may find that he was brought up in a family where parents were alcoholic and violent. He reported that his mother had multiple extramarital relationships with other men. This could easily explain why he walked around with an attitude “that women cannot be trusted”. He beat his wife, because according to him she came home late one night and told him “a lie”, claiming that she met some female friends. In fact, she told him the truth, but he simply did not believe her and now his marriage is on the rocks.

Indeed, his social history gives a good explanation for his present behaviour, but has it any therapeutic value? If we assume, as I do, that causes of present day behaviour lie in the here-and-now, and not in the past, his behaviour can also be explained by his present day jealousy stemming from a very low self-esteem – “why would any woman (including my wife) be interested with me”. Other factors are his addiction to alcohol and anger-control issues, all of which are signs of a metabolic disorder. They operate in the here-and-now and can be treated in the here-and-now. There are many other factors that can be treated regardless of any knowledge of a person’s social history. We do not need a social history to treat him now. In fact his social history could stand in the way of immediate treatment!

Social histories provide interesting explanations of behaviour, but they usually have little therapeutic value. My assumption is that the causes of behaviour lie in the “here-and-now”. We cannot change the past, we cannot use our parents as scape goats for present day behaviour, nor blame our peers, or society or whatever else is happening in our present environment. We are the cause of our behaviour. We simply need to to tackle biological aspects first and then learn the social skills, in the here-and-now, to earn our rewards and happiness, regardless and in spite of our past!

It is therapeutically more efficient to assume that all causes of human behaviour occurs in the here-and-now, and that although personality development may have an interesting past history culminating in present behaviour, that behaviour can be radically changed by interventionist therapeutic techniques that ignores the past and looks strictly at present day aspects of personality; such as metabolism, self-image, assertiveness, communication skills, and one’s values system.

Rational Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or RCBT is a very powerful technique in psychotherapy to help people overcome emotional problems.

In order to understand the origin and its rationale we need to have a quick look at “Behaviorism” a school of of psychology which aims at rendering psychology a purely scientific investigation. The earlier approach was to study human behaviour or any behaviour for that matter – including animal behaviour – in terms of references to consciousness or mentalistic constructs. The Behaviourist school had its beginnings in the work of JB Watson (1878-1958) in his many publications such as “Psychology as the Behaviorists Views it” in the Psychological Review in 1913 and many others.
Watson defines psychology as the science of behaviour. The aim of behaviourism is to be able to predict behaviour (or more correctly responses) from a knowledge of stimulus conditions, based on observation rather than upon interpretations involving the concept of ‘mind’, ‘unconscious’ or ‘consciousness’. Thus he was able to do research in a laboratory with animals without any reference to mentalistic concepts. He believed in contrast to prevalent ‘introspective’ psychologists, that psychology was simply the observation of behaviour, similar to those of physical scientist.

There is a principle in science that says that anything that can be measured can become the subject of scientific investigation. So psychologists of the school of behaviourism (learning psychology) look at the elements of behaviour in terms of the following formula.

S —> [-] —> R

where
S = Stimulus
[-] = organism (also humorously called the empty box)
R = Response.

Scientists can observe stimuli and responses, but behaviourists claim that you cannot observe what goes on inside the organism. Thus according to behaviourists we are just a bundle of stimulus/response connections. They would deny scientific access to what other psychologists call the “mind”.

Cognitive therapists however believe that whatever goes on inside the empty box affects the way you respond to stimuli.

Thus they have a formula that looks like this;

S —> [Attitudes] —> R

Thus if your mother falls under a bus, you may respond to this incidence in a way that depends on your attitude towards your mother. If you hate your mother and are looking forward towards a rich inheritance upon her pending death, you will react in a completely different way, from the position if you love your mother dearly.

Thus attitudes affect the way we react to events (stimuli) in our lives.

Thus RCBT therapists are interested in attitudes, which may be defined as a semi-permanent pattern of reaction (responses) towards persons, objects, institutions or issues.
These attitudes are learned responses and RCBT therapists believe that by examining these attitudes (self-confrontation) we should be able to change these beliefs and RELEARN the kind of ‘positive’ attitudes that are less destructive of behaviour.

And here we find differing theories cropping up among different psychologists. Some will concentrate on ‘negative’ thought processes alone, how they were arrived at, and perhaps stemming from childhood experiences in the family and so on. (Psychoanalysis).
From my experience it does not help a person one iota to know that one’s negative self-image stems from one’s overly critical mother. You cannot rationalize a negative self-image away by analysis. You can only get rid of them in exactly the way you acquired it and by a RELEARNING program.

Others look at what thought processes go on right in the here and now (the “here and now” psychotherapists).

I belong to the latter kind of psychotherapists and start off with a fundamental assumption (axiom as it were) – for which there is considerable scientific support – that one’s attitude to the self – or the self-image (ego) is at the core one’s personality.

The self-image is also a learned response, an attitude, that can be changed. The advantage of this approach is that every one of us have direct access to our self-image. We all know for instance, whether that self-image is positive or negative. Thus you can be your own psychotherapist!!!
If we can change our own self-image, the hypothesis is that we can change a host of other attitudes, which upon examination derive from the self-image.

Thus the formula becomes:

S —-> [Ego] —> R

Now basically a self-image consists of a learned (that is automatic) statement floating around inside your head saying:

“I am ………….”

Here we are looking for an adjective that is either positive or negative.

You as a psychotherapist are interested only in negative adjectives such as;

“I am stupid”

“I am unlovable”

“I am no good” etc etc etc.

The next step is; ask yourselves why???

Perhaps you may have an answer, but you will find that the answer may have a negative adjective too! And then you have to ask an other “why”.

But from my experience most people have no answer as to why they feel “stupid”. “unlovable”, “no good” or whatever nasty things you are telling yourself. This may indicate an underlying metabolic disorder preventing the body from producing feel-good neurotransmitters; i.e., hypoglycemia. This may mean that we have to first treat the underlying metabolic disorder before we can move on to treat it psychologically.

From a “learning perspective”,  you know that you may have been taught to believe the idea from somewhere in the past. You have been indoctrinated to unquestioningly accept that you are ‘stupid’. You may have internalized this idea by constant repetition and self-talk. Not only that, because you firmly believe that you are stupid, you may have acted in a way towards other people that has reinforced THEIR belief about you that ‘you are stupid’. You may have been on a defensive as a pattern of behaviour that makes it very difficult for other people to understand you. They may have lost their patience. You may have even triggered their hang-ups and triggered their defensive mechanism.

THUS WE HAVE A SELF-FULFILLING PROPHESY.

People are inclined to reinforce your own ideas about yourself by your behaviour towards them!

The answer, according to RCBT,  is to UNLEARN these irrational ideas by again repetition and repetition, by replacing these silly and childlike ideas repetitively with a more positive idea, or simply by saying to your self STOP IT!!!!! Don’t analyze as to where these ideas have come from. Just catch yourself thinking it and then STOP IT!!!

This approach has been elaborated in the self-help PSYCHOTHERAPY course.

By doing this course you can in fact participate in a RCBT course whereby you play your own psychotherapist. You should be able to complete the course in eight week (a chapter per week) and feel a different person at the end of the road.

Of course I would like to add, that RCBT alone may not always help one’s depression, if you overlook the biochemical aspects of depression.

See The Serotonin Connection.

If you feel you have corrected the underlying biochemical abnormality responsible for mood disorders, and you would like to undertake the Self-Help Psychotherapy Course, start reading  What is Transactional Analysis.

Anxiety defined

Anxiety Seeking behaviour

Adrenal Exhaustion

Free-floating anxiety

We will try to show how best we can treat ourselves of the debilitating afflictions of anxiety and phobias. If problems arise the assistance of a psychologist or counsellor should be sought.

From a more holistic point of view I see personality as consisting of layers. The innermost personality is the “biological self”, which controls the other layers of personality. If the biological self is suffering from a biological disorder, such as hypoglycemia, it will affect the next layer dealing with the self-image, and consequently influence other layers of personality in the area of human relationships, that all depend on the self-image. These layers are systematically dealt with in my book “Getting off the Hook” accessible here.

Thus personality can be compared to the layers of an onion, where the inner layer affects the function of the next layer.

Thus I emphasize that we need to FIRST treat the biological self, before we can consider the treatment of the self-image.

I also differ from most other psychotherapists in that I believe that the self-image can be the product of a biological disorder (in the here-and-now), and not necessarily the result of childhood experiences or other learning processes. If you have a metabolic disorder that pumps adrenaline and other stress hormones into the system, this will inevitably affect the self-image, because the person is NOT in control of his emotions.

When we have mood disorders it is natural to PROJECT these feelings on to the world and INVENT events that will explain our uncontrollable emotions. We see this in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) where a past trauma many years ago is blamed for an ongoing metabolic disorder affecting your personality now. This is a delusion, that normally accompanies mood disorders and that may serve to save our sanity (explain to us why we feel the way we do).

Thus when we experience a sudden attack of anxiety, we tend to invent a theory (called technically “projection” or “rationalization”) attempting to explain the causes of these attacks in terms of “cognitive processes”, such as attitudes, false beliefs, learned experiences, processes in a mythical ‘subconscious mind’ or events in the past etc etc.

Somehow, even the prescription of antidepressant drugs does not seem to convince us that the problem is biological and not psychological.

The myth of the all-powerful mind controlling our behaviour stands in the way of more scientific thinking. This is a belief sustained by the psychosomatic model of psychology, which says “it is all in the mind”. The greatest enemy in science is human’s resistance to change. This may be especially so in people who have little control over their moods and emotions.

This overall view of personality also explains my rejection to the notion that all psychological experiences derive from past experiences. Sure we may have learned habits of thinking in the past, but the habits occur in the here-and-now and cannot be changed by contemplating the past or contemplating our navel.

You can change learned habits in the here-and-now, without having any idea where these habits came from. We do not need to know where our hang-ups come from. I am simply not interested in the past! This is where Rational Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (RCBT) (see below) plays a crucial role. It is a therapeutic program dealing strictly with the here-and-now.

This approach will simplify psychotherapy and saves a lot of time in “analyzing the past”. Ruminating about the past is actively discouraged in the kind of psychotherapy that I teach. Thus when it comes to drastically changing one’s personality we are all ‘orphans’ and become totally responsible for treatment ourselves in the here-and-now. We are the source of our emotions! We cannot blame the past, our parents, our society or our peers. Yes, they may have influenced us in the past, but they are no more than habits of thoughts, we can change now. This is a rapid-acting psychotherapy that can bring about a radical change in personality within a period of three months for most people, unless the brain has been contaminated with xenobiotic drugs. When the body has been subjected to drugs it will require a longer period of treatment to repair physical damage to receptors for neurotransmitters.

Thus in this kind of therapy all we need to know is 1) the present metabolic status of the person and treat this by nutritional means wherever possible., and THEN 2) improve our social skills in the here-and-now, starting with a consideration of the self-image. The self-image is at the core of personality.

In summary my motto is “biochemistry before psychology in the here-and-now”.

It aims at restoring the balance and place the inner Adult – the rational mind – in control over the emotional aspect of personality.

After treatment of the biological aspects of mood disorders you can improve your social skill by studying the self-help psychotherapy course, starting with What is RCBT? A short interpretation., then move on to:  What is Transactional Analysis and complete all 9 articles at the rate of one per week. In nine weeks you would start to feel better.

Psychotherapy differs from other kinds of counselling in that a change in behaviour and feelings is brought about with reference to a theoretical model. Thus there are a number of different types of psychotherapies depending on the models used by the therapist and client. The model used here is based on the concept of personality as consisting of layers of personality, the inner core of which is the biological self. A physical disorder, such as hypoglycemia, affects the biological self and can express itself as both a physical and psychological illness.

Treatment of the biological self must take precedence over the psychological disorder. No self-respecting therapist would attempt to treat a ‘behavioural’ problem, when in fact that behaviour is due primarily to an underlying physical ailment, such as hypoglycemia, diabetes, chronic fatigue syndrome, schizophrenia or manic-depressive illness.
However, this is not to say that personality is nothing more than a physical manifestation of the biological self. The next layers of personality may be seen as the psychological aspects of personality, which takes into account the self-image, the self in relation to other humans, his social skills, including communication, and perhaps more importantly his values system. The latter is often referred to as a person’s spirituality, whatever that means.
Many people who have recovered or are recovering from the ravages of a metabolic disorder are left with the scars of psychological damage left behind by their illness. This is especially so if the physical ailment dates back to much earlier times, even to childhood.
Recovering hypoglycemics have to restore relationships with significant others, possibly damaged by years of uncontrollable mood swings, depression and bouts of anger. Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts who’s personality development has stagnated from the time they first used their drugs are often faced with the necessity of completely overhauling their life-style. A person with a long and painful history of broken relationships due perhaps to initial ill-health needs a swift program aimed at restoring a severely injured self-esteem.

The treatment of one’s negative self-image is at the hub of psychotherapy and is the starting point of everything else that follows.

To gain a clear understanding of this therapy we need a language, easily understood by the client and that is free of emotional bias. After learning this basic language we will soon learn how we can change our negative self-image. We will then learn about the Assertiveness Training Program, move on to communication and values clarification.

I would like to give a very brief summary of Transactional Analysis based on the book by Berne,E.(1961), TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS IN PSYCHOTHERAPY, Ballantine Books, N.Y., but reinterpreted by me for the sake of simplicity in order to understand some very important principles in psychotherapy.

In Transactional Analysis (TA) it is assumed that when we think or talk we jump from one “ego state” to another. In Figure 1 we see that “Mary” has three egos: the PARENT, ADULT and the CHILD. So has Paul on the left.

When we speak from the PARENT ego state, you hear such things as “good”, “bad” “right”, “wrong”, “you should”, “you ought to”, “you have to”, “you must”, “you always…..”. In other words we speak as if we are a critical parent telling a child what it should, must and ought to do. This is often accompanied with gestures that reflect our authority such as when we point our finger or frown our eyebrows. Finger pointing is a sign when a person speaks from his/her PARENT ego.

When we are in our ADULT ego, we deal with the world as it is. Statements are either true or false and we usually come to a decision based on rational thinking: “because of X, which leads to Y, which leads to Z” etc. This is our analytical mind and source of our rationality.

When we speak from our CHILD ego we often say things like “I want”, “I need”, “I hope” and so on. The things we need are not always wanted, like vitamins and minerals, the things we want are not always needed, such as drugs and alcohol.

Some of our basic needs are: the need for security, respect, for shelter (a home), for food, sex, affection and love, for play and laughter. As adults in later life these needs are extended to a range of values we desire in civilized relationships.

A happy person is one, that can satisfy his needs without interfering with the need of others.

Referring figure 1, suppose that Paul is asking Mary: “Where is my coat?”
Mary can answer either as

1) “Your coat is hanging in the cupboard” or,

2) “If only you would put your coat where you should have put it in the first place, you would know where your coat is”.

In 1) Mary speaks from her ADULT to Paul’s ADULT, because whatever she says is either true or false. There is no judgment.
In 2) Mary speaks from her PARENT to Paul’s CHILD; she is not answering Paul’s question but gives him a lecture.

In 1) there is what is called an A-A message
In 2) Mary gives Paul a P-C message.

This is illustrated in Figure 1 above. You will see that the A-A arrow crosses the P-C message and hence this is called a cross transaction. In transactional analysis all cross transactions indicate a conflict in communication.
The above example AA –> PC comes in many forms, as in “Where is Sydney Harbour Bridge?”(AA) –> “You must be pretty stupid to ask that question!” (PC).

It is possible that the respondent may misunderstand the question and hears a criticism instead. This becomes AA–> CP. For example the conversation goes like this: “Where is Sydney Harbour Bridge?” (AA) –> “I wonder why he is asking this question, perhaps he thinks I am stupid” (CP).

In this example the person shows his suspicion about the question and this is called a paranoid response, for in fact instead of giving a straight answer “The bridge is in the middle of Sydney” the respondent reads the question to be a hidden criticism.
Many verbal arguments finish up in PC-PC messages, whereby opponents call each other by names, such as “You are a bum”, “You are a bitch:”.

Role playing can also be interpreted in terms of TA. For example:
“Doctor, what is wrong with my ears, it hurts” (A-A), the doctor might reply:
“Don’t worry about this I am your doctor and know exactly what should be done. You need a prescription” (P-C). The doctor doesn’t give an answer and plays doctor.

To become familiar with transactional analysis listen to conversations you hear around you and try to classify the transactions in terms of A-A, P-C, C-P.

THE NEGATIVE SELF-IMAGE

In Figure 2 we show how a person has acquired a negative self-image. The critical PARENT – the robotic judge – sends a constant stream of mental messages to the CHILD, saying such things as “I am no good”, “I am a failure”, “I am ugly and unlovable”.

In this illustration Mary firmly believes that “I am no good”. Whenever Paul makes a critical remark or a remark that is seen to be critical Mary has no defences because her PARENT agrees with Paul’s PARENT. The result is that Mary either attacks or withdraw which in either case may often result in aggression.

Her reaction against Paul – whatever it is – will confirm in Paul’s mind that there is something wrong with Mary. He may even come to think that “Mary is indeed no good”.
And so we have an example of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It means that our behaviour creates images in other people that support our belief in ourselves as to whom we are.

THE “I AM RIGHT POSITION”

In Figure 3 we see a person in the “I am Right Position”. This represents the authoritarian personality, who tends to see the world in simple colours of black and white. He is good at making quick decisions, he appears confident, can be condescending. Often they are found at the head of organisations with a strict pecking order, a structure of command that goes from the top to the bottom. In the extreme form or in a pathological stage he can be aggressive and the remarkable characteristic is that they often lack insight. In terms of his self-image the transaction at the CHILD level he seems to be saying: “I am better than you are”, “My house is bigger than yours”.

The reason seems to be that he is driven by an extremely low self-esteem saying: “I am no good either” which is completely blocked from his awareness. Hence the self-image “I am no good either” is placed in double brackets in figure 2.

This person is often attracted to a shy partner – the person in Figure 2 – partly because that partner satisfies his “nurturing” but authoritarian PARENT ego. The partner may find an attraction in such a confident personality and compensates for her feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

This goes to show an important principle in psychotherapy: “Hang-ups attract hang-ups”.

Problems often arise when one of the partners in such relationship grows up or changes personality. The mutual bond goes out of kelter.

In social situation the person in the extreme form of “I am right position” is difficult to handle, and are best avoided unless you are able to adopt a subservient role. In circumstances of social conflict they tend to see the problem as lying out there in the world, they seldom have insight into the effects of their behaviour on other people. The alcoholic who denies he is alcoholic is a typical example. They often adopt a “righteous” position and tend to be defensive. They feel that they are constantly under attack!!
Such a person usually gains a modicum of insight in a crisis situation as when their partners (wives or husbands) walk out of a relationship, they lose a job, or commit an offence, “which is out of character”. At such times when they have reached “rock-bottom”, or “crossed the red line”, they are often accessible to psychotherapy, for they may suddenly realize, that they did not have full control over their lives and need help.
It is essential that a person has some insight if he is to benefit from therapy.

The PARENT Ego source of inner conflict
When we see a man picking up an injured bird, or console a crying child he operates from what is called his “nurturing PARENT”. This is the source of our civilization, our cultural values or, as it were, the better side of human nature. The flip side of this ego is the punishing and critical PARENT. The latter is the root of our emotional problems. The aim in psychotherapy is to change the critical PARENT within us.
In our model the PARENT ego could be compared to the animal part of our mind that has learned to behave in a certain way by indoctrination. It has learned to quote negative “moral” sentences quite beyond the conscious control of the speaker or thinker.
When a teacher says to a child: “You are dumb….you are dumb”, the child comes to believe that “I am dumb…I am dumb, because the teacher says so..”.
After a few repetitions the child believes: “I am dumb….I am dumb, and I don’t need a teacher to tell me that, ….. because I damn-well know I am dumb”.
Now he has internalized that belief and it becomes part of his personality.
We may have met many authority figures in our childhood that could have implanted all sorts of negative ideas about oneself or the world and this has become part of our habitual thinking and behaving. It forms part of our attitudes.
Thus we may hear a prisoner, who has been sentenced for assault, say : “Well, I wanted to teach him a lesson”, he reveals with a slip of the tongue the origin of his thoughts.
The PARENT ego does not respond to a rational debate, stemming from the ADULT within us, just like a doggie does not learn from a verbal lecture given by his master. It has to be re-trained, by sheer repetition, persistence and determination. Thus when we go over to improving our our self-image in the next section, it must be emphasized that we are undertaking a retraining program of that animal part of the mind (the negative PARENT ego within us), with as much dedication as when we learn to play the piano, or any other skill we have learned.

We are now ready to have a closer look at the negative self-image and how we can change this in the article “How to Improve One’s Self-Image”.

We seldom hear people walking around saying they are happy. Unhappy people are usually aware of their unhappiness.
Values clarification tries to answer questions such as: what am I trying to achieve? What would make me happy? What do I really want out of life? What is important to me? What are my values? What do I want from my husband or wife? What kind of career do I want?
Values can of course mean many things, but in motivational terms we are speaking of things that we need, require, want, aspire, set on’s heart on and so on.
When we buy a car we unwittingly use a means of choosing an object that has values, that we have thought about before, or clarified. A decision to buy a certain car is chosen among other possible cars that we might have looked at. So there must be a choice.
The characteristics of this car consists of desirable attributes (values) such as the colour, whether it is a four seater or two seater, whether it is a sports car, or sedan; it has a certain engine capacity, fall within a certain price-range and a myriad of other values that we consider to be important.
In fact, values are not values unless it implies importance, thus all values comprise of things that we deem important!
But the colour of car may be of lesser importance than the engine capacity, thus values clarification requires some ranking in importance. Furthermore, we must be able to afford to buy the car, which means we must test values against reality.
We do not own many of our values; that is to say we have never been in position to ‘evaluate’ our values, because many of these have been inherited – not through genes – but by simply being a member of some social group or culture that has determined what these values ought to be. In the Western culture one’s house has to conform to certain standards (values), which are different from those of another culture. These cultural values have a long history of development, which may offered survival values to that culture, such as that standards requiring minimization of fire hazards, building codes, standards of safety etc.
So far we have been talking about ‘concrete values’, that is values attached to concrete object, that can be touched or observed through our senses.
What about abstract values such as ‘love’, ‘loyalty’, ‘courage’, ‘respect of other human beings’, ‘respect for animals’, ‘love of science, or music’, the kind of things we may or may not want, which are important to us and yet cannot be defined in terms of our senses. Many of these values are taught in the family, the church or the school. We may admire competition as a cultural value, others see cooperation among members of a community to be more important. But many values are also arrived at through personal meditation or reflection.

If we want to own these values, that is be responsible for what we believe in – we will have to re-choose those values.

Some principles appear to emerge;

1. Values are chosen and this implies that we can either accept or reject values.

2. We choose values from alternatives. Choice (free will) is impossible if we have no alternatives, hence such choosing requires an open mind.

3. Values need to be realistic. They need to be capable of realization in the world we live in. This in itself is often a matter of value judgment.

4. Values need to be specific and positive. “I value life” or “I value freedom” tells us little what action I should take now. Thus values need to be clarified or defined. Here subjecting values to the “W” questions may help us to get a clearer picture. For example: “Freedom to do what?”

5. We need to think about our values before we can accept them as our own. “Are the values I believe in mine or do they derive from other people or sources?” If so, we do not necessarily need to reject them, provided we feel comfortable with these values.

6. Values need to be felt as being important to the person. When values lack the quality of ‘importance’, they could be merely “prized” and perhaps talked about, but rarely acted upon.

7. Ideally, values should be consistent with our behaviour. When our behaviour is in conflict with our expressed values, we may not have much commitment to those values. Of course, being imperfect human beings our behaviour will not always coincide with our belief systems; they may overlap! Sometimes it is not prudent to act in accordance with our values; in America it may be dangerous to express communist ideas. In China it is not wise to speak of democracy. This goes to show that one’s values may be in conflict with the prevailing values of society or the political system.

8. Values tend to be goal directed. In psychology it is difficult to define what is and is not goal-directed behaviour. But is is clear that without a values system, humans would be the victim of his circumstances, a ship without a rudder.

Looking at some of these principles it is apparent that our “free will” may be severely restricted as when a man is in prison.
Some other factors that restrain our ability to choose are; poverty, lack of education, ill-health (hypoglycemia, endogenous depression, psychotic illness, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)), conditions of employment or unemployment, family circumstances and so on. Yet among all these restricting environments there remains often an area where we can exercise our free will.

Motivational Test

If we want to find out whether a person is motivated to change his behaviour, we could ask him to complete the sentence:

“I want to change because of X Y Z, and that is important to me!”

where “X Y Z” are the underlying reasons given for wanting to change. By using “W” questions, we can test the second layer of arguments in favour of his reasons.
For examples: “I want to change, because I don’t want to go to gaol” or “because I don’t want to lose my wife”. Note these reasons are in the negative and may not prompt the person to change his behaviour, were it not for the gaol or his wife walking out on him. The person may be at a loss to explain why it is important to him not to lose his wife. He may even hate her! These negative feelings need to be translated into positive values, which is one of the objects of values clarification.

If a person is unable to give any reason why he wants to change, perhaps we could ask him to fill up the following sentence;

“I don’t want to change because of X Y Z, and that is important to me!”

By using the “W” questions we should be able to analyze the reasons behind his lack of motivation. There could be a payoff for continuing the behaviour, such as “Everything is going alright….my mother is looking after me and I get regular meals….I am free to go the beach….and I receive my regular unemployment check…why change??”
Thus his motivation is intertwined with that of his mother and the question is “What motivates the mother to support his son unconditionally?” Are we dealing here with an arrangement that is satisfactory to both mother and son?

Daily Activities Pies

Another way of looking at motivation and values clarification is by studying the activities of people on a daily basis.

In Figure 1 the circle , representing 24 hours a day, may be divided into various activities. One third of the day – that is 8 hours – is devoted to sleep. Another third is spent working, and the last 8 hours may be used up in leisure time.
Studies have shown that about 80% of people do not enjoy their work, yet most keep on working year after year. Work appears to be a means to an end satisfying their needs for pleasure, and other interests. These in fact constitute important values, for example those related to family and children. The acceptance of work conditions is also bound up with their personal relations with fellow workers, which depend on social abilities and in turn on the self-image.

In Figure 2 we have an example where a person devotes a lot of time to his work. The question is: “Is he a workaholic?” and why? His values seems to be centered on his work situation.

On the other hand we have people, whose daily activities pies would look like that given in Figure 3.

Obviously such a person places a important value on his leisure time. The wealthy and the rich are likely to show such charts. But what about the person without an independent income? He may well be depending on others, and his values would suggest a strong belief in the “support culture” or the welfare state. Or again such a person values freedom highly so that he can fulfill perhaps his artistic or creative abilities and needs.

These Daily Activities Pies do not necessarily reflect value preferences, they could result from uncontrollable circumstances, personal disabilities, work pressures, the necessity to pay off mortgages. However if these activities are chosen, they do reflect values.

Values satisfy needs

The word “value” comes from the French “vouloir” which means wishing or wanting. Wanting food, shelter, or wanting a close human relationship, security, wanting respect, or wanting to help others seem to point to needs operating at different levels.

This is illustrated in Figure 4

It is clear that one’s needs and therefore one’s important values lie at different levels depending on circumstances often beyond the control of the individual. In poorer countries the needs for food, clothing and shelter may override all other values. In fact, values and customs at the social level may be subordinate to these basic needs. Marriage arrangements may fulfill economic necessities. There is a different priority of values.

Values orientation

Values can also be looked at from the point of how it affects our behaviour. For example, when values are positive we tend to act, when these values are negative we tend to avoid. This is illustrated in Figure 5.

Let us take an example of attitudes towards women.

When a person attaches positive values to women, he may either approach them or avoid them. If he tends to approach women for whom he has a positive regards, his values would likely be in the area in the graph anywhere marked “PAP Values”. (“PAP” stands for Positive + Approach.) He probably will be kind and considerate towards women.
If he has a high regard for women, but fears them, he is most likely to put them on a pedestal, but avoid them. That would place his values in the area of “PAV Values”. (PAV stands for Positive + Avoid).
If he harbours negative values about women and still approach them, his behaviour may be fraught with contempt or aggression and his values would be in the “NAP Values” part of the diagram.

If he has negative feelings towards women and avoid them he would be in the “NAV Values” area.
People – such as many alcoholics and drug addicts – reside in the NAV area and are generally negatively motivated.

They know exactly what they don’t want, but have no idea what they do want. We say they are not motivated at all.

The values clarification program helps these people to get out of the NAV area and to place them in the PAP area of the program.

The systematic clarification of values.

The aim is to bring positive values to consciousness, although these values may be expressed in negative terms. There is an important principle in values clarification that says that negative values can be expressed in a positive manner, which is the equivalent of the negative.

Example: Fear of prison – a strong motivation in behaviour – may mean love of freedom. However the question is freedom for what?

I will describe a favoured technique often used in my therapy group in four steps.

Step 1: Generate positive and negative adjectives or clauses

Members are asked to complete the following sentence:

“I want my wife to be……, and that is important to me!”

I then ask members to generate as many adjectives as they can. If nothing comes to mind I will ask them to think in negative terms (which some people find much easier to do).
Thus:

“I don’t want my wife to be……, and that is important to me!”

I then draw two columns on the board, one headed ‘Positive’ and the other ‘Negative’. The results might look as follows:

In this first step of values clarification much is be revealed about the person. Some cannot think of anything, indicating that they have not given much thought on at least this topic. Few adjectives are generated. Others may emphasize the physical features of women – the concrete thinkers – describing them as “sexy”, “beautiful”, “blond with blue eyes”, “slim”, “attractive”. Others can only think of negatives.
Fortunately, through values clarification most of them graduate quickly to more abstract thinking such as they prefer a woman to be “understanding”.

In Step 2 we translate negative adjectives into positives.

Remember that only positive values will tend to mobilize people into action. The art of translating negatives into positives requires some thinking. We are talking about popular opposites and not “logical” opposites. When people look for the opposite of “nagging” they might suggest, “always putting you down” or “not being helpful” and very soon a person comes up with the idea of “being helpful”, “being supportive”, “encouraging”. “Addicted to drugs” becomes “straight”, “in control”, “normal”.
“Lazy” becomes “not willing to work” which soon suggests “willing to work”, “not shy of work”, “hard worker”.
The opposite of “Slovenly” becomes “having self-respect”, “pride in the way she dresses” “proud”, “good sense of dress”, “well-dressed”.
“Hates going out” is translated into “loves people”, “loves socializing”, “easy to get on with”, “loves mixing with people”.
It helps consulting a thesaurus or a dictionary of synonyms – words with similar meanings.

The resulting list of positive values is now:

beautiful
considerate
loving
good cook
loves children
clean
well-dressed
friendly
supportive
easy going
hard working
loves people
likes going out

In Step 3: we define and eliminate synonyms (same meanings) by means of “W” questions.

We have explained elsewhere that the “W” questions are questions that begin with a ‘w’, in it: “Why, What, When, Where, Who and How?”

What do we mean by ‘beautiful’, ‘considerate’, ‘loving’, and so on. “Why should we believe this to be important?”, “When or where did this occur to me?”, “How would that affect me?” are the kinds of questions that forces us to think in the ADULT ego state, and to become clear as to what we mean. One way of clearing up meanings is by deliberately generalizing (also known as universalizing) the meaning of a word. For example: “Do you want your wife to love all children?” “be friendly with all people?” “If not, what kind of people then?”
“Do you want your wife to be considerate, even if you hit her, or if you go out with another woman?”
When you use “always”, “all”, “every” “at any time”, etc. you tend to extend the question to situations that in fact you want to exclude. You don’t want your wife “to be lovely to every man”, “helpful to everybody”, “attractive all the time”. Thus your positve clauses have limits, and the question is where are the limits?
Here one has to think and refine meanings and point to actual circumstances and situations that delineate your meanings and needs. Having a low-esteem may lower your criteria by not insisting on qualities we feel are important, if we want to be happy.

in Step 4 a person is asked to rank-order his adjectives.

Again,the person is asked to carefully think about his values. The question basically is: “Which of the qualities are more important to one’s happiness?” “Is it more important for a wife to be beautiful or considerate?”
Rank-ordering is carried out by giving each adjective or quality a number in terms of importance and then placing them in numerical order. This may be done on a white board in the group.
An excellent way of rank-ordering is by using small cards. Members are asked to generate positive and negative adjectives on a topic and to write them on the cards. First, the negatives are translated into positives and written on the other side of the cards. The cards are laid in front of the person and he is then asked to define the qualities. Then he is to rank-order them by placing the most important qualities at the top.
The use of cards is an easy way of understanding the method of values clarification: it is on on-going process and we also discover that we change our values each day, sophisticating them and refining them.

An anecdote

The power of values clarification is illustrated by an experience of a young girl, who was severely brain-damaged after long period of drug-abuse. She was at one time a qualified dental nurse, when she started using first marijuana, then heroin. Her mother told me that she found her daughter lying on the lounge room floor with cards in front of her. She was writing things on cards, turning them around and putting them in some sort of order.
One day the young lady came to the group with a new boyfriend. The boy friend was ‘straight’ and she explained to the group that according to her exercise in values clarification at home she had placed ‘honesty’ on top of the list. Also her boy friend had to be straight that is not using drugs.
She had an agreement with her boyfriend to get off drugs and “please would the group accept her boy friend as one of the members”.
I met her mother a few years later and she told me that her daughter was married to the ‘boy friend’, they had a baby and she was an excellent mother!!

Matching couples

Another useful application of the values clarification is to assess how compatible two people are in their values; an important factor that would affect their relationship.
A married couple – parents of a group member – was asked to values clarify their ideal partner. They were required to do this separately. The results could then be compared. The group was astounded about the similarity of responses. Thus values clarification helps two people to ascertain whether they have compatible values. How often do two people meet, fall in love and then after a while split with traumatic consequences to either one or both partners. They did not realize that they had different expectations in their relationship; one was interested to travel around the world, the other wanted to settle down in a job and a home!

Creating a shopping list

A married couple can go through a series of crisis situations. Personalities are dynamic – not static – one partner may finally outgrow a low self-esteem, or may develop a new interest in life. They are then said to pull into different directions, yet the bonds of love are strong. Often children become victims. Conflict may rekindle a fragile self-image in one or both partners. Communication breaks down.
In such a situation ‘creating a shopping list’ may be of assistance to sort out the problems.
Each partner is asked to ‘list’ the things they want out of a relationship.

“I want …………… and this is important to me!” or

“I don’t want …………… and this is important to me!”

Again the ‘clauses’ are 1) listed under ‘postives’ and ‘negatives’ 2) negatives translated to positives, 3) defined and evaluated, 4) Rank-ordered.

These are then compared. Then, negotiations and compromises are discussed between the partners.

Filling up value sentences

There are many ways of tapping into one’s values, by simply completing sentences:

I have learned that…………..
I have discovered that…………..
I now know that………….
I was surprised to find that………
My hero is…………….
One day I hope to………….
My greatest ambition is to…………
My favourite place in the world is………….
My goal is life is……………
My father always taught me that…………..
My family likes to……………..
My greatest wish is …………

Evaluate your friends

Think of your friends and ask yourself a series of value laden questions;

Would this person keep a secret?
Does this person always keep appointments?
Could you tell your friend about your problems? What kind of problem?
Would you ask this person for advice in respect of what….?
How does your friend relate to other friends?
What do my friends have in common?
What do I expect from friends?
Friends are for ……….

Fantasy trips

Another favourite technique to uncover your values is by going on what I call FANTASY TRIPS.
They are all of the form: “If I am….. then…….”.

What would you do if you were a billionaire, if your were a dictator, the director of a big corporation, etc.

By allowing a person to dream the impossible, very often what appears to be impossible becomes achievable with a few compromises.

An anecdote

One client was a fervent surf-board rider. He spent most of the day on the beach. He was on welfare and had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. So now and again he applied for jobs in a factory, and frankly was glad when unsuccessful.
Asking him what he really was interested in he said, surf boards!!
He knew all about surf boards, what shape they should have, how they were built and so on. He was proud of his knowledge about surf board.
I ask him whether he would be interested in selling surf boards.
Would he ever!
So instead of applying for advertised jobs we made up a list of all firms selling surf boards. We collected some 20 firms. His job was to visit these firms daily and talk to the managers. He was to sell his skills and knowledge about surf boards. If the result was negative he would ask the person if he knew of any other firm that would be interested in employing him as a salesman. He was instructed to get the personal names and telephone numbers of potential employers!
It was not long and he landed himself a job in a shop selling sports equipment. He sold a few surf boards and his boss was very happy. But he had to learn about other sports products available in the shop. He gradually became an expert in most of the equipments for sale. He was happy to meet young people of his own kind, the same language, the same enthusiasm. I met him a few years later in the street, and yes….he was now a manager of one of a department stores, charged with increasing the sale of all sorts of sports equipment and ……. he had just finished a tech course in management! He was now learning about accountancy. He had a girlfriend. He was as happy as Larry.

Conclusion

Values clarification helps you to get a clear picture of where you are going, what choices to make, what friends to have or avoid, what to look for in relationships and what career to choose and how to get there.
Values are closely related to motivation. Counsellors avoid the danger of passing on a his/her own values on to their clients when teaching the values clarification program – clients discover their own values.
Most important of all, values clarification helps a person to fulfill his needs and find true happiness.

Further reading

Ayer,A.J.(1958), LANGUAGE,TRUTH AND LOGIC, Victor Gollancz Ltd.,London
Berofsky,B.(Ed.)(1966), FREE WILL AND DETERMINISM, Harper & Row,Pubs,N.Y.
Feinberg,J.(1969), MORAL CONCEPTS, Oxford University Press
Fletcher,J.(1967), MORAL RESPONSIBILITY, SCM Press Ltd.,London
Foot,P.(Ed.)(1967), THEORIES OF ETHICS, Oxford University Press
Hare,R.M.(1952), THE LANGUAGE OF MORALS, Oxford University Press
Hare,R.M.(1963), FREEDOM AND REASON, Oxford University Press,London
Hemming,J.(1969), INDIVIDUAL MORALITY, A Panther |Book,London.
Kirschenbaum,H.(1977), ADVANCED VALUE CLARIFICATION, University Associates, Inc. La Jolla, Calif.
Margolis,J.(1966), CONTEMPORARY ETHICAL THEORY, Random House, N.Y.
Maslow,A.(1971), THE FARTHER REACHES OF HUMAN NATURE, Penguin Books
Maslow,A.H.(1970), NEW KNOWLEDGE IN HUMAN VALUES, Henry Regnery Co.Chicago
McCance RA (1994), THE COMPOSITION OF FOOD, The Royal Society of Chemistry and Minister of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food
Moore,G.E.(1968), PRINCIPIA ETHICA, Cambridge University Press
O’Dell BL, Sundle Ra (1997), HANDBOOK OF NUTRITIONALLY ESSENTIAL MINERAL ELEMENTS, Marcel Dekker Inc NY
Peters,R.S.(1966), ETHICS AND EDUCATION, George Allen & Unwwin Ltd.,London
Piaget,J.(1932), THE MORAL JUDGMENT OF THE CHILD, Routledge & Kegan Paul,London
Plesman, J (1986), GETTING OFF THE HOOK, Shepson Printing, Sydney
Rath,L.E.(1978), VALUES & TEACHING: WORKING WITH VALUES IN THE CLASSROOM, C.E.Merril Books
Reid,L.A.(1962), PHILOSOPHY AND EDUCATION, Heinemann,London
Roubiczek,Paul,(1969), ETHICAL VALUES IN THE AGE OF SCIENCE, Cambridge University Press
Smith,B.O. & Ennis,R.H.(1961), LANGUAGE AND CONCEPTS IN EDUCATION, Rand McNally & Co. Chicago
Smith,M. (1977), A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO VALUE CLARIFICATION, University Associates,Inc. La Jolla, Calif.
Steele,S.(1979), VALUES CLARIFICATION IN NURSING, Appleton-Century-Crofts, N.Y.
Warnock,G.J.(1967), CONTEMPORARY MORAL PHILOSOPHY, St.Martin’s Press,London
White,A.R.(1968), THE PHILOSOPHY OF ACTION, Oxford University Press

To benefit from this program it is essential that the reader is familiar with “Transactional Analysis” and “How to Improve One’s Self-image” listed in the “Psychotherapy” section. Awareness of a possible underlying metabolic disorder that may affect behaviour should first be attended to.

People with a negative self-image are at risk to use this assertiveness program in a manipulative way – if they aim at playing the game: “I win, you lose”. Reading Eric Berne’s book “Games People Play” will also be helpful.

Assertiveness training strives to resolve conflict between people, unlike the conflicts within the self characteristic in people with a negative self-image.

Social conflicts are more likely to arise among the more intimate and significant relationships, such as among friends, lovers and family members, than with strangers. Much of this is related to one’s self-image. Thus people with a low self-esteem are more likely to experience social conflict, whilst people with a positive self-image are better able to succeed is satisfying other people’s basic needs in close relationships. The aim in assertiveness is finding a solution to conflict that is satisfactory to both parties: the ‘Win Win’ situation.

The principles of assertiveness training falls neatly within the boundaries of what is known as Rational Cognitive Therapy.

This is explained in the following illustration.

Some psychologists, known as behaviourists, view human behaviour as a series of stimulus-response reactions whereby certain specific responses take precedence over other responses through a process of learning. Certain reactions are established because they were rewarded. Most of these learned responses – or behaviour – become habitual and automatic.

Just as well: our daily activities would be burdened with constant mental exercises, if we were to figure out every move we made.

This is obvious when we look at our daily routines; we tend to unlock a door with either the right or left hand, we tend to shave first the right cheek and then the chin, or write letters with the right or left hand. All this takes place without much conscious awareness. Behaviourists tend to overlook the intervening mental variables between stimulus and response as shown in the above illustration.

In cognitive therapy the kind of automatic responses we make depend very much on the attitudes and beliefs we have within our mind. An attitude is defined as a semi-permanent response or a tendency to act or feel in response to a stimulus. Thus a person with a negative self-image – a person having a constant stream of negative thoughts about oneself – is more likely to suffer from depression. A person ‘who hates women’ is likely to react to women in a different way from people who regard women more kindly. Racist reactions, or judgments towards certain classes of people are determined by stereotypical attitudes held within the little blue box of the mind.

Cognitive therapy (also called Rational Emotive Therapy) applies particularly to the problem of endogenous depression. Endogenous depression – caused from ‘within’ – must be distinguished from the kind of depression caused by some external event, such as the loss of a loved one. It is when the sufferer cannot identify the cause of his depression with anything in his environment that we are probably dealing with endogenous depression. This is a serious disorder and should be discussed with a health professional. The metabolic aspect of such depression must be a first consideration: it could be related to Hypoglycemia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Coeliac Disease, Hypothyroidism, malabsorption of some vital vitamins and minerals, such as B12 or folic acid. It is only then we should consider the series of negative thought processes that may intervene in our reactions to the environment. Foremost among these is our negative self-image which appear to be the root cause of such depression.

THE PRINCIPLE OF IMPERFECTION

This is clearly demonstrated when people hold the belief that they should be perfect in whatever they do. They are usually called ‘perfectionists’. Perfectionism could be traced back to a negative self-image, which says that “I should be better than what I am”. Nevertheless, the world may be thankful to the perfectionists in mathematics and science.
Perfectionists often are not only critical of themselves, but tend to transfer this to others as well, leading to perhaps intolerance of other people’s foibles.

The belief: “I am entitled to be imperfect as a human being” is important in assertiveness training as will become clear later on. Perfectionism stems from the belief “I should be perfect”, which implies that “we can be perfect”. But the possibility of “I am perfect” is nonsense. If we humans were perfect, than all humans should be the same, we should be clones of one another. So we are all Gods! As this is obviously false it must be the case that we are all different from one another. In fact this leads to a healthy belief that we HAVE A RIGHT TO BE IMPERFECT!
If true, then we also have a right to have problems and a right to be different. The human quality of tolerance – acceptance of differences among our fellow creatures – is characteristic of civilization. Without this tolerance, modern democratic societies would not be possible. Nor would intimate social relations.

In fact, Thomas Hobbes’ belief that men are basically “poor, nasty, brutish, and short” – a very negative view of humankind – lead him to accept that humans could only be happy if they lived under a dictatorship.

A dynamic society consists of the robust, the shy, the sensitive, the creative, the inventive and entrepreneurial – all of whom have intrinsic values.

The acceptance of uniqueness of individuals – stemming from the principles of imperfection – becomes important in such significant relationships as marriage. The belief that “You should be like me” denies the unique identity of partners in marriage. The same happens when we depersonalize partners by assigning roles to individuals, such as “As a husband you should……” and as “As a wife you should…….”. Notice that such notions derive from the PARENT EGO STATE, thus they are PC messages!

The aim of assertiveness training is either to replace negative PARENT messages with more positive ones, or channel communication to the adult level – thus AA transactions!
In summary, we must learn to assert our right to be imperfect by abolishing – by constant repetition and supported by logic – the habit of thought that somehow we should be perfect. This fundamental right of imperfection does not conflict with our endeavours to IMPROVE ourselves.

The “O-O” LINE

In the article “How to Improve One’s Self-Image” it is claimed that you can change one’s self-image in a relatively short period of time. However, unforeseen problems may arise, because significant others usually have a well-defined image of you – negative or positive – based on your past behaviour. This is shown in the following illustration:

Thus others may continue to react to you, arising from their experience of you in the past.
Generally, a negative experience has a more lasting imprint on a person’s mind than a positive experience. You may be considered a nice guy in a work situation, but one slip of behaviour, one bout of unexpected aggression, one session of drunkenness is sometimes very difficult to erase from your reputation.

The “O” refers to the “old self-image”, which is projected into the future on the horizontal line from left to right.

The “now” refers to the present situation, the point when you have learned a new image – new behaviour – whilst significant others still have you on the “O-O” line.

The strategy is to get people to think in the here and now, and into the future. Try to get people to think of what is going on now.

For instance: “ If you want to criticize me, please criticize me for what I do now, and not for what I might have done in the past.” Try to get an agreement with significant others to stay in the here and now, although it would be difficult for most people to get off the “O-O” line.

Watch out for the words ‘always’ and ‘never’, as in “you always do….so and so”. These are reminders for unresolved grievances.

It is not surprising that many recovering alcoholics and drug-addicts escape from the present conflict situation by “doing a geographical”. This may be helpful in therapy, whilst new more beneficial habits of thoughts are being established in a different environment. Many rehabilitation centres insist on a temporary separation of their clients from their family members. Others bring in the family members to participate in therapy. This usually was encouraged in my therapy group sessions when some members of the family or other significant others were keen to join the group.

PRINCIPLES OF RESPONSIBILITY

Assertive people firmly believe that they alone are responsible for their own happiness, thus:

“I am responsible for my happiness and feelings”

from this it follows:

“Nobody in the world can make me either happy or unhappy”
Therefore, it would not be difficult to adopt the principle that “I should not have to depend on other people to make me either happy or unhappy.”

“Only if I am happy, then I can be response-able (able to respond) to the needs of other people”

Understanding this principle requires some thought. They need to be ‘tossed about’, criticized and justified before you can adopt them as your own. The more time your give yourself to think about them, the more you will start to accept them as your own, though perhaps in a slightly different version. In the end, this meditation becomes an automatic thought process, and as a result you will become more assertive automatically.
Thus a responsible and mature person relies on his own social skills to satisfy his basic physical and social needs.

Many parents feel guilty when they see their teenagers go off the rail; get involved with drugs or come into conflict of the law. Under the influence of psycho-analysis which states that behaviour is mainly determined by the family upbringing they have come to believe that they – as parents – are responsible for their children’s behaviour. Their feelings of guilt will only serve to reinforce the child’s conviction that they are not responsible for their behaviour. “What do you expect with parents like that?”

Parents will just have to learn that their parental influence is ineffective after a child reaches a certain age. They could have been worse parents, and the teenager is still responsible for their behaviour, despite the parents.

At the more extreme end of the spectrum we find some individuals, who depend entirely on others for their ‘happiness’. This is natural among children who depend on parents for their basic needs. It becomes pathological when a person with the maturity of a six year old child walks around in the body of a grown-up man and is faced with the loss of his wife. This may have disastrous consequences with a threat of suicide, placing others at risk as well.

Manipulation

Non-assertive people have to learn how to deal with manipulative people. A manipulative person is primarily a nonassertive person and not a ‘straight-talker’.
Here is a definition:

Manipulation means getting another person to do things against their will, by making them feel wanting to be loved,  feel guilty, stupid, silly or by assigning a role to them.

In other words if you have hang-ups you can easily be manipulated. If you are in dire need of love and affection, common to many people with a low self-esteem, you could be made to do things that you might regret later on.

Depersonalization – dropping a label on somebody – refers to you being classified into a role, which puts cultural pressures on you to act in a certain way.

“Paul, as a husband, you should buy flowers for your wife”, where Paul is now classified into a husband, and we all know that all good husband always buy flowers for their wife!

Think of the roles we play: husband, wife, son, daughter, grand-mother, uncle, schoolteacher, professor, lawyer, doctor, women, men, supervisor, boss and worker, manager, friend….and the list is unending. Each role seems to have a complementary role; for example “teacher and student”, “doctor and patient” “husband and wife”, “counsellor and client” and so on.

All these roles carry with them some expectation of “appropriate’ behaviour that require us to behave in a certain way.

Notice that the message “As a husband, wife etc you should…” all derive from the PARENT EGO state.

Playing roles in in organisations with an hierarchical structure as in most work situations or the army may have its advantages. It provides a strict sequence of commands from the top to the bottom and contributes to cohesion. However, edicts emanating from the top can be also be misinterpreted down the line. When Stalin ordered to crush the kulaks’ resistance to his agrarian policies, soldiers down the line could well have understood this to mean executing them.

Manipulation by way of role playing is sometimes difficult to resist:

“As a s friend you ought to lend me your car” is a familiar manipulative situation, especially if you don’t want to lend your car to anybody.
The strategy is to get the manipulator to express what he wants from you.
If the manipulator would have been assertive he would say: “I would like you to lend me your car”.

We simply have to learn to say “NO”.

A manipulator would probably try: “Why not?”.

He puts pressure on us to explain in a way that assumes that we actually know and understand our feelings at all times. But being imperfect we have a right not to know everything about ourselves. The truth is much of our feelings cannot be explained and we could simply answer: “I don’t know why”.

HOW TO HANDLE CRITICISM AND OTHER DIFFICULT SITUATIONS

Please have in mind that assertiveness training aims at resolving conflict situations between significant people who want to live in peace and harmony. As mentioned before, many of the techniques mentioned here can be abused by people who like to play games: “I win, you lose!”, which derive primarily from a negative self-image. These unfortunate individuals will probably make more enemies out of these games, thereby reinforcing their hang-ups.

If you have an attitude: “I win, you win”, you will be truly assertive and enjoy satisfying relationships.

Negative emotive terms

One way of putting people down is by using what I call negative emotive terms. Most adjectives carry with them either “good”, “neutral” or “bad” feelings. For example: “You are lazy” carries negative feeling whereas “You are brave” sounds warm and cuddly.

Thus:

Positive “You’re a victim of economic circumstances”
Neutral “You are unemployed”
Negative “You are a dole-bludger”

These sentences express the same idea of unemployment, but each has a an emotional flavour colouring the feelings of the speaker. Obviously, his moral super-ego (his PARENT) is involved.

One can practise recognizing “negative emotive terms” by reading newspapers, or listening to the debates in parliament, by underlining or ticking off negative emotive terms used in articles and debates. If you are not certain that a person uses negative emotive terms, add the rider: “and you don’t approve!!”.  This is also known as Ad Hominem Arguments, a technique of diverting attention away from the real debate and attacking the author instead of the subject matter.

The strategy in discussion is to translate the negative emotive terms into a neutral one or else by pointing out that the speaker does not like or approve of the event being described.
The use of negative emotive terms in disputes between loved ones can be devastating and usually cannot be resolved until such times as the parties learn to use more neutral and accurate descriptions of behaviour that cause the conflict.

“FOGGING”

A major technique of dealing with a criticism isto create a fog – a white cloud – that is difficult to target to hit. Some of the terms used are borrowed from Smith, MJ (1975), WHEN I SAY NO, I FEEL GUILTY, A Bantam Book, a very readable book.
For example:

“Paul, your shirt is dirty”
Paul: “Maybe you are right”
“Probably true”
“Perhaps I could improve”
“Sometimes this happens to the best of people”

Paul is neither agreeing, nor disagreeing, in fact he is saying nothing. Perhaps he is asserting his right to be imperfect!
When you listen to a scientific debate opponents regularly fog, neither agreeing or disagreeing with a proposition and often followed by a “but…”.

“Super-fogging”

This is an extension of fogging. When your critic really intends putting you down, to vent his anger about something, you could take the wind out of his sails by super-fogging:

“Paul, your shirt is dirty”
Paul: “Perhaps you may have a point (fogging), but if you look at my trousers (shoes or whatever), they could also be a little dirty”.

Inviting criticism

He could go even further by actually asking the critic:

“Is there anything else about me that worries you?”

If you feel that your critic harbours some grievances that he seems reluctant to express it may be worthwhile to bring this into the open, so that it could be resolved through further discussion. Asking your critic straight out what worries him about you.

Broken Record

Sometimes people won’t listen to you as to what you want. This can be very frustrating and sometimes you become very angry, and bang! They got you. Now you are the unreasonable person and you can be ignored!
‘Broken record’ comes from the idea when a needle in a gramophone record is stuck in the groove and it keeps on repeating endlessly. By repeating calmly your request the other person is bound to listen. For example:

Paul: “I would like to have my car repaired”
Mechanic: “We have no time to-day”
Paul: “May be you have no time to-day (fogging), but I would like to have my car repaired”.
Mechanic; “The suppliers have not sent the parts for your car” (Passing the buck).
Paul: “May be the suppliers have not sent the parts, but I would like to have my car repaired”.

Playing back a tape

This powerful technique helps you to get people to listen to you, when somehow the message gets lost in the debate. Imagine your are two tape-recorders and one tape recorder says to the other: “Please play back your tape?” so that you can check whether the message has been received. For example:

A husband might say to the wife:
Paul: “I love you”
Wife: “But you always go to the pub”

The wife refuses to hear the message and all too often the husband may storm out and actually go to the pub, frustrated and angry.

This is called a rejection game, which was discussed previously in the section dealing with “Transactional Analysis” where one party to a dispute elicits the kind of reaction in the other, that “proves” the very thing that is complained about.

Often by asking the other person to repeat an actual message, may resolve that problem. Thus:

Paul: “I get the impression that you did not hear what I said to you. Could you please repeat what I said?”

The wife may have got it right and say:
“Yes, you said you love me”.
Paul: “Do you believe it?”
Wife: “NO!”

And this is exactly where the problem is!

Shooting the messenger

A popular technique among politicians is to attack the messenger instead of considering the issue under discussion. This is not uncommon in a closely knit community or group such as a family, especially when emotions run high. It is easy to dismiss an argument by demeaning a person in a debate. Some messages may be dismissed because the messenger has not got the qualifications – the expertise – entitling him to express an opinion, as if only qualified people can give opinions. Here “fogging” could be an appropriate strategy, followed by a repetition of the original message. “Shooting the messenger” is usually a sign that the opponent cannot accept the fundamental assumption (major premise) of he messenger.

Using the pecking order in an organisation

It is often frustrating dealing with members of a large organisation, where your request is being passed on from one to another in that organisation. This is particular so in the public service where officials may treat you just one of the numbers. They have unlimited control and power over you because of the position they hold. But each organisation has a ‘pecking order’, whereby the person you are dealing with is answerable to a person in higher authority.

Thus:
• Ask the name of the person you are dealing with. This alone may be a threat.
• Ask the name of the person one rank above.

As in:

“May be you do not have the authority to make a decision in my case. Perhaps I should speak to your superior who might have the authority. Could you please give me his/her name?”

Other strategies might be to contact the ombudsman, parliamentary representative etc.
Remember most authority figures are in a hierarchical power relationship with other authority figures. A strict pecking order as in a brood of chicken provides a sense of security among its members. It is a question of climbing the ladder and finding the person with power who can help you with your problem. Writing a letter to the Queen may be the wrong person in this hierarchical structure. But you local parliamentary representative may be the right one. It is a question of finding the person who has political control over the organisation: either a member of the government or one of the opposition!

The “Why” technique

A criticism is often an expression of personal taste or of disapproval. Your critic sits in his judgmental PARENT EGO and our job is to get him back into his ADULT. Questions like: “Why do you think so?” often forces him to go into his rational ego state (ADULT).

Opponent: “Paul, your shirt is dirty”
Paul: “Why do you think so?”
Opponent: “Because you have spots on your shirts”
Paul: “Why do you think this makes my shirt dirty?”
and so on.

Other questions all starting with words containing the “W” do the same job.
The “W” questions are”
“Why, What, When, Where, Who and How?” are the kind of questions that forces people to get out of their moral ego state and into their ADULT.

This technique is also used in counselling when a person expresses a feeling emanating from either his PARENT or CHILD, and the counsellor asks for further clarification which will help not only the counsellor but also the client to analyze the feeling under question. In non-directive counselling probing the underlining meaning of feelings, often helps to shift a person’s view leading to a different solution and different actions.

Nevertheless, the “Why?” can also mean different things, as when a father asks his daughter to wash up the dishes, and the daughter keeps on asking “why” to every explanation that the father offers. She actually telling the father to get lost!

Mind reading

It is often frustrating to hear other people tell us what we really feel, what we think and really mean. There is a profession that makes a living by telling people what we really mean in the name of psycho-therapy. Once you accept that you have a “subconscious mind”, which by definition we cannot be aware of, we are ready to accept anything a ‘therapist’ might suggest.

“Our problems really stems from our relationship with one’s father or mother….to our Oedipus Complex”.

Forgotten experiences in the past become root causes of our behaviour and …. emotional problems according to that theory.
Non-professionals may play the same ‘mind-reading’ game, as when your husband suddenly tells you: “I have known you for the last ten years, and I know you don’t love me!”

Or the wife might say: “I know you don’t love me”….or “I know you love the other woman!”

The rule is: Don’t allow other people to read you mind!

Here the “W” questions become useful:

“How do you know that I feel…..?”

Equally, there are situations that you will be mind-reading another person, which will inevitably arouse a negative response. Sometimes we would like to know how another person feels about you. Or you may assume that another person really harbours negative feelings towards you, but you are not sure. It is then important to let the other person know that you are not telling them how they feel, but rather how you yourself feel. For example:

“I get sometimes the impression that you don’t love me. Is this true?”

Therefore you acknowledge that the problem is with you and not the other person.

“The yes…but argument”

Sometimes people ask you for advice and feeling pleased and honoured you may fall into a put-down trap.

Worker: “Can you tell me where I can find a job”.
Paul: “Perhaps you should contact the employment agency”
Worker: “Yes, but they cannot find a job that I like”
Paul: “Then tell the people at the agency the kind of job you do like”
Worker: “Yes, but they say that I have no experience as a gardener”
Paul: “Perhaps you should tell them that you are willing to learn”
Worker: “Yes, but they tell me I am too old to learn”.

Whatever the answer, it is rejected. This can go on indefinitely, until you realize that the worker is playing the “Yes..but” game. He really does not want to listen to you and is pleased to have found somebody who confirms that there is no solution to his problem, and so he can continue to do whatever he was doing before. It also serves as a subtle put-down to a counsellor for not being able to answer questions. It is easier to be negative than positive and it says “I don’t need to change”.

The “I” statement

When you are angry, you often are inclined to blame somebody else: “You make me angry”, “You annoy me”, “You upset me” are expressions that points the finger to another person for feelings that you yourself are responsible for.

To own that responsibility you could start off the statements by “I”, as in:

“I feel angry with you”
“I am upset, I am annoyed, I am frustrated, I am disappointed, etc.”

These are more likely to be registered with the other person.
This is a classic ploy by the headmaster at an assembling when he said: “I am deeply disappointed to find that someone has written filthy words in the boys’ toilet”.

An apology

Sometimes we can appease an opponent’s anger by simply apologizing when this is appropriate. It simply derives from a belief that we are entitled to be imperfect. This involves an appeal to an opponent’s nurturing PARENT. However, the rule is that you apologize only once!
There are people who keep on apologising as a ploy for continuing to behave in an annoying way.
It is no good apologizing to a person who has no nurturing parent or the capacity to sympathize. It does not help apologizing to Hitler, just before he is about to shoot you!
Sometimes people use an apology for attack, when they deliberately spill a cup of coffee over you and say “sorry”.

Throwing the ball in the other court

Looking back at the principle of personal happiness we know that we are mainly responsible for most of our own problems. But so is your opponent.

Typically we hear: “But this is your problem!”

A more gentle way of expressing this would be:
“I get the impression that you are upset with me. Why don’t we try to resolve this problem?” (of yours).

Daddy says…

People often try to tell you, to convince you, to manipulate you by appealing to an authority figure.

“The psychiatrist said that you have a lot of problems”.

The speaker hasn’t got the courage to tell you what he thinks. He uses an authority figure to express his opinion. The answer is:

“Maybe the psychiatrist thinks so, (fogging), but I am really interested in what you think about me.”

There is an infinite variety of “Daddy says so…”; the Pope says, the Doctor says, The Law states, The experts say…”.and so on.
To get an opinion across we use the Bible or the Koran. Eminent professors are now employed by influential corporations to put forward ‘scientific’ views favouring the activities of these corporations.

Thus get the speaker to express HIS opinion, and not someone else’s.

What will the neighbours think?

Closely related to “Daddy says…” is the worry what neighbours might think about your behaviour.

“Don’t raise your voice. The neighbours might think you are mad!!”

Here the wife uses the neighbour to tell her husband what SHE thinks.
You may go to a party and feel tired. So you don’t say much and sit in a corner. On the way home your wife or husband might say:

“Gee, people must think that you are a very dull person. You hardly said a word”

The answer to this is:
“Darling, I hope you told them differently, and explained that I was a good listener.”

Assertive training aims at resolving conflicts and gaining friends. The most direct way is to find out what other people want and then tell them what YOU want.
In the next session called “Values Clarification” we are going to look at the values we hold and cherish, that motivate us to pursue our objectives. These values are mainly things we “want” out of our lives. The goal of assertiveness is the “win, win” situation that will satisfy the needs of all parties concerned.
When “wants” do not match, start negotiating a workable compromise.

Workable Compromise

You can usually recognize a workable compromise when someone says:

“What about, if we…..?”

and suggests a solution.

How to practise assertiveness

We cannot become assertive overnight. We need to practise assertiveness either in private or with friends. There are several methods by which you can practise being assertive.

The two chair approach

Imagine you have two chairs facing one another. You sit in one chair and face the other empty chair. Place an imaginary opponent sitting opposite – preferably somebody in your real life with whom you experience a lot of problems. Then tell him/her that you would like to resolve that conflict between you two. You would not mind knowing how your opponent really feel about you.
Before you do so have a brief list of assertive principles as describes above in front of you for reference.

“What in fact do you think of me?”

Now imagine that your opponent expresses the worst possible judgments about you.

Whatever may be said look at all the techniques (or strategies) we have been discussing, pick the one that is most suitable to answer. Give your reply!
Now imagine what your opponent would say to that. Again whatever horrible thing comes back, pick one of your principles and again reply!
Imagine the worst possible putdown, the one thing you find hard to handle.
Keep this debate going until in the end you cannot think of anything else your opponent would attack you with.

Next try having a debate in your imagination with your boss and ask for a raise in salary. The boss may argue it is the wrong time to ask for a raise (an opener for “fogging…but”) or accuse you of laziness. “Perhaps I could improve my performance, but I would still like to have a raise in my salary!” and so on.

You could practise imaginably to approach a friend asking him/her to pay back moneys he/she owes you.

If people find you jumping from one chair to another, they may indeed think you are goofy.
Practising two-chair work can be done in complete privacy; in your car whilst driving home, or in the bathroom, and better still within the confines of your private thoughts before you go to sleep. The emphasis is on practice and practice…to prepare yourself for suitable defenses against attacks, without putting other people down, or up, but aiming to remain in the A-A transactions at all times.

The fun practise

You can have assertiveness training session with your partner or close friend. You ask your friend – who is familiar with this assertiveness training program – to take the role of your opponent, the person you find difficult to handle. Ask him to put you down the way your opponent would. See how you would handle this using some or all of the above strategies.

Reverse role playing

A more powerful exercise is when a person – preferably one who is familiar with this program – to play the role of the ‘client’. The real client is then ask to act out his opponent – for example his/ her boss, father, mother, lover, husband, whoever pose a threat to the ‘client’.
It is often the case that the opponent is perceived by the client to be worse than in real life. Reverse role playing was a popular exercise in our group sessions where members took up the role of ‘therapist’ and another member was asked to act out their opponent in the way they perceived them.
The member would then have an opportunity to learn from his friend (the therapist) how to be assertive, without putting the opponent up or down; and how to come to a resolution of that conflict situation.

Again and again a member would report to the group how he encountered his father (or other ‘opponent’) and how he discovered that his father was in fact a nice fellow. They had become friends in the ensuing encounter. In other words it is not the father, but one’s perception of the father – the demon floating around in our mind – that comprise our enemy in human relationships.

After you feel you have mastered this section of the program, you are ready to establish more significant or more intimate relationships with the help of “Communication and Counselling Training Course”

Further Readings

Alberti,R.E. & Emmons,M.(1975), STAND UP,SPEAK OUT,TALK BACK., Pocket Books N.Y.
Bach,G.R. & Wyden, P.(1968), THE INTIMATE ENEMY;HOW TO FIGHT FAIR IN LOVE AND MARRIAGE, Avon Books, N.Y.
Baer,J.(1976), HOW TO BE AN ASSERTIVE (NOT AGGRESSIVE) WOMAN IN LIFE, IN LOVE, AND ON THE JOB, A Signet Book,N.Y.
Dyer,W.W.(1976), YOUR ERRONEOUS ZONES, Sphere Books Ltd.London
Dyer,W.W.(1977), PULLING YOUR OWN STRINGS, Avon BooksN.Y.
Fensterheim,H. & Baer,J.(1975), DON’T SAY YES WHEN YOU WANT TO SAY NO, Futura Pubs.Ltd.London
Gordon,T.(1975), P.E.T.PARENT EFFECTIVENESS TRAINING, A Plume Book,N.Y.
Kassorla,I.(1973), PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER, Circus Books Melbourne
Maltz,M.(1960), PSYCHO-CYBERNETICS, Pocket Books N.Y.
Maltz,M.(1974), PSYCHO-CYBERNETIC PRINCIPLES FOR CREATIVE LIVING, Pocket Books
Ringer,R.J.(1973), WINNING THROUGH INTIMIDATION, Circus Books,Melbourne
Ruben,H.L., COMPETING: UNDERSTANDING AND WINNING THE STRATEGIC GAMES WE ALL PLAY, Harper & Row,Sydney
Smith,M.J.(1975), WHEN I SAY NO, I FEEL GUILTY, A Bantam Book

As we have seen in the article on hypoglycemia the first consideration in the treatment of any ‘psychological’ problem is the person underlying health. Many physical problems contribute to a low self-esteem.

The next step looks at a person’s self-image, which is at the base of most if not all psychological problems.

The basis of any human relationship is very closely related to one’s self image. A negative self-image, sets up all sorts of defences that may in fact create a negative image of you in another person. This is called a self-fulfilling prophesy.

It is not going to help you to believe that your upbringing, your relationship with your own parents is the cause of your negative self-image.

You need to take control of your own self-image and change it by mental practice. I am going to give you the basics of “Positive Ego Training Program” as explained in my book ““Getting Off the Hook” by Jurriaan Plesman. I am willing to donate this book to any library free of charge, provided they send me a self-addressed envelope. Any librarian should be able to trace that book from the internet. My book is available in most Australian libraries.

Although not essential a better understanding of the following will be gained by reading the article:  What is Transactional Analysis?

A self-image is fundamentally a self generated statement that floats around in your head such as “ I am ……(adjective)”. Let us suppose you are by yourself in a room and ask yourself “Who am I?”

You will hear something like “I am…..(adjective)” and that adjective is either positive, negative or neutral. I am interested in the negative adjectives that you conjure up. The most common negative self image is “I am stupid” “I am unlovable”, I am a jerk” “I am a failure”. I will take these as an examples of a negative self image or hang-up.

Before we can get rid of a negative self image we must own it, that is recognized that it is you and nobody else that is putting you down.

For instance one way of getting hold of your hangups is to go on what I call a PARANOID TRIPS. Start off with strangers.

You sit in a bus or anywhere and then imagine that you have the power to read people’s mind about you.

Say to yourself: “He/she/they really think that I am ……… and that is awful”.
Fill up the sentence. You probably finish up with he thinks that ”I am stupid”. You know that strangers really don’t think of you. You have created the self image yourself.
There are a lot of other techniques to find your hang-ups.

For example: Say to yourself: “He/She treats me as if I am ….. and that is awful”.
“He/she looks at me as if I am…………….”

Imagine two people talking and suddenly you say to yourself “They are saying that I am …….”

If you come up with negative adjectives, than you have generated your own negative self image. Your imagination used other people to reveal your negative self image or hang ups.

Another way is even more interesting: I call them proving trips.

“I am trying to prove to him/her/them that I am…..”

Now you probably thought of something positive like “intelligent” or “smart”, “clever” “lovable, “gentle”.

Take the opposite of these adjective and presto you have hold of your negative self-image.

Say: “He/she is trying to prove to me…..trying to impress me that he/she is………..”

Fill up the sentences and take the opposite and you probably can figure out the hang-up of the other person.

If I have a need to impress you that “I am clever”, I must have a hang-up that says “I am stupid”, or you might think that “I am stupid” and how awful would that be!!!

People with a positive self image, don’t have a need to prove anything to anybody. Take or leave them as they are!!!!

The wooden leg argument
Some pernicious hang-ups are in the form of a physical descriptive put-down such as “I am ugly”, “I am fat”, or “I have a wooden leg”.
If you add “and therefore…..” and then complete the sentence the true nature of the negative self image comes to the surface. For example:

“I have a wooden leg and therefore women/men don’t like me”

The unstated belief – the major premise in the logical syllogism – is shown in the first premise in the following argument:

“People with wooden legs are unlovable”.
“I have a wooden leg”,
therefore “I am unlovable”.

Although perfectly logical, the problem is that the major premise is false. Not all people with wooden legs are unlovable.
It is very difficult to get rid of the wooden leg which adds punch to the hang-up.

People who bemoan that they are fat, thin, tall, ugly, small, or have too many freckles may use these features to put themselves down; they use the wooden leg argument.

This obsession with physical features may lead to anorexia and/or bulimia among young girls and the use of anabolic steroids among boys who want to look like TARZAN.

It is not surprising that changing one’s physical appearance in anorexia through starvation, does not alter one’s underlying self-image one iota. It only reinforces the idea that the wooden leg is the cause of our battered self-esteem.

HOW TO GET RID OF HANG-UPS
We are creatures of habits and once we have learned to believe that we are stupid, it is activated automatically. But what we have learned we can unlearn by practice and sheer repetition. That part of the mind, that Freud calls the super-ego, and Eric Berne calls the “Parent Ego” or the critical parent within us, is an automatic thinker.

You do most of your mind training at night or when you are by yourself. You think of a scene when you got upset, because the boss talked to you or treated as if you are stupid.

You now have to learn a new lesson:

“Isn’t stupid to think I am stupid”.

Many clients started off by training themselves to believe “I am smart, I am intelligent” etc. This seems to be the opposite of the hang-ups. But unfortunately, when you do that you may finish up being very arrogant and self-opinionated. In other words you finish up in the “I am right” position. People in that position are usually authoritarian, arrogant, critical of other people, knockers and they are usually difficult to handle. But there are ways of handling them.

Let us stick to getting rid of our negative self image.

What ever negative you are saying about yourself, try to use the formula:

“Negative” + “negative = neutral.

“Isn’t stupid to think I am stupid”
“Isn’t silly to think I am silly”
“Isn’t unlovable that I am unlovable.”
“You did it again by thinking you are a failure”
“I will watch out next time I think this silly thing about me”
“Stop it, you did it again”

In other words you are neutralizing you negative self-image, without falling into the trap of the “I am right” position.

Simply don’t allow yourself to think negatively about yourself whenever you catch yourself doing so. This is done through private meditation and may take some time. Go through the paranoid trips of the day, neutralize the negatives and be prepared for the next put down you might encounter the following day.

This program takes between one and two month of mind-training. Some client learned it in two weeks. Think as though you are training a little poodle in your head to behave the way you want. It takes some time, but very soon you get the hang of it. Once you become automatically positive, you will experience a sense of relief, as if a load falls from your shoulder.

Next time a guy/girl rejects you you might hear yourself say” Gee that is awful, but it is not a disaster. That guy/girl misses out on a beautiful person like me. I am worth more than that. And the next time I have a look at a possible partner he/she HAS TO BETTER and WILL BE BETTER than the previous one, because I am worth more than that!!!!” “In the end I am going to be better off”.

Get to know your self talk, and when you start to laugh at what you hear and how you can put yourself down, you are cured!!

The Internal Debate Approach
Sometimes we need a more powerful approach to get rid of hang-ups. This is done by having internal mental debates between the PARENT and the ADULT within us.

Gestalt therapy has left us with the concept of ‘two chair work’. What happens in ‘two chair’ work is that a person hops from one chair to the other, playing the role of his opponent and himself. The aim is to get an agreement between the person and his opponent.

You can apply this technique to yourself by imagining that your opponent is the PARENT within you and is putting you down. You can do this in the privacy of your imagination. By learning by heart the strategies of Assertiveness Training Program – in the next chapter – you learn to defend yourself against any possible negative remark that the PARENT figure is throwing at you. Your opponent could be any person in real life who is upsetting you by his put-downs.

By learning to be assertive by means of the Assertiveness Training Program, you learn how to make your ADULT ego the dominant ego in your personality. By mental exercises and repeated mental practice session your become assertive automatically, and this is an other powerful technique to get rid of internal hang-ups.

When you start to feel confident, you can now face real life situations

Once you can improve your self image the world will open up to you, you won’t put up with nonsense anymore. You are now ready to do a assertiveness training program and this is another matter.

The  Assertiveness Training Program is the next step in your own psychotherapy.